Friday 14 October 2011

Metaphorical Forecast

We have just received a forecast from the metaphorical office. A band of cold weather is marching towards the south, with a strong wind section and occasional bouts of percussion. It will reach a crescendo over Essex before dispersing into several bars, where it will cause some local disturbances. Wear ear-muffs and gloves if you want to look cool in Southend.

Saturday 8 October 2011

Stone Warning

Saturday morning found me as usual in the local supermarket, idly looking at the delicatessen counter. My attention was drawn to a notice which informed me that the olives "may contain olive stones". I admire the store for their attention to detail, for their desire to spare me any shocks or surprises, for managing my expectations so effectively. If they had just warned me of the presence of stones, I could have travelled home in eager anticipation of finding plum stones or apricot stones in my olives. This would be great for me - I do not want to turn my small garden into an olive grove, but another plum tree would be nice. Imagine my disappointment to find only olive stones!

The situation could have been worse. At least the store did not fall victim to the misplaced apostrophe - that would have been a catastrophe. I would have spent the rest of the day wondering about Olive Stone's contribution to the marinated olives.

Wednesday 5 October 2011

Dark Energy

Troubled sleep since hearing about dark energy and the ever-expanding universe. How can I hope to keep up? I think we need some lighter matters to counteract all the dark matter. My most worrying thought was that the universe is actually within a games console. There are thousands of levels and whoever playing it is slowly improving. But there comes a point when it all collapses in on itself and the player has to start again. The big bang is just a re-boot. Maybe this is the highest level that has ever been achieved - in the history of the universe! I fear I have just missed out on this year's Nobel prize. A quick "share" to the committee's Facebook page should secure it for me next year.

Thursday 4 August 2011

The Lives of Lesser Known Fauna

The stag night beetle lives on lager and kebabs.

The black Scottish widow spider lives on a good pension.

The ant eloper lives on the run with his young bride. He is pursued by ant depressants.

The Colorado beetle lives in permanent envy of his wealthy cousin the El Dorado beetle.

Wednesday 3 August 2011

Puzzled in Luton

They have made changes at Luton station. I passed through the ticket barrier as usual on my way to a meeting, following people ahead of me. I found myself at street level but on the opposite side of the street I normally found myself on. I re-traced my steps to see if I had taken a wrong turn. I had not. They had removed a bridge. Instead of going across and then down, I now had to go down and then across. It felt as though I was taking part in a surreal crossword puzzle, clearly without a clue. I was happier with the bridge.

Monday 1 August 2011

Little Surfer Buoy

I have redefined what it is to be a surfer. This is my interpretation, honed to theoretical perfection in the frozen steppes of Northamptonshire and executed with acute embarrassment on the Cornish coast. It is an elegant equation that links expenditure of huge amounts of energy to a minimal amount of contact between surfer and surf board, a breakdown of synergy manifesting in the consumption of copious amounts of sea water and an inability to put on one's socks the following day.

I think the out of focus flag says it all.

  

Friday 8 July 2011

Issues Raised by the Solitaire Stall


On a recent visit to Covent Garden I was drawn towards a stall selling solitaire sets. Like a magpie, I was attracted by the garish coloured balls - I am easily pleased - and the gleaming wood of the sets. The first question to occur to me was why was I not the only one at the stall? Surely, to be true to its purpose, there should never be a queue.

The second question to occur to me was that if someone jumped the queue, should the person overtaken be removed?

The third question to occur to me was that if so many people felt the need for solitaire sets, why didn't they all get together socially and then they wouldn't need to play solitaire? I think there may be a niche market for solitaire sets for two - or am I alone in this?

Thursday 28 April 2011

Shall I compare thee to.....?

This year, Shakespeare's birthday found me queuing at my local butcher's, bargain packs in hand. For the record, chicken fillets and pork rib chops. These were beautifully juxtaposed with the back of the woman in front of me in the queue. Across this broad canvas, a selection of illustrations were randomly scattered. It was the poem which caught my eye, something about being on an ocean wave. I was sad that I could only read the first four lines, for the back of her dress did not drop far enough for me to read any further. I imagined that even in Kettering it would be poor form to pull the material back a bit to get a better view. Thus I was left in a state of poetic bereftness, never to know the rhyme promised but not delivered, cut off mid-stanza as I stood transfixed in this emporium, this temple of flesh, of which only some was for sale.

Was this butcher poetry or poetry butchery? I feel a sleepless night approaching.

Wednesday 13 April 2011

New Drug Menace

News reaches me today of a new and terrifying drug whose use has started to spread rapidly. It has been synthesised by a secret government laboratory - don't ask me how I know! - to interfere with the minds of workers in the NHS and Social Services. The drug is so powerful that workers have to be prepared for exposure to it by attending special meetings, often in secluded places away from prying eyes. At these meetings, they are forced to engage in mind-numbing exercises, reciting lists of policies and government acronyms and legislation. The idea is to help build up a level of tolerance to the soporific effects of the drug prior to its administration by highly trained dealers. At a recent meeting, workers were seen battling to stay awake. There is also a paradoxical effect, as felt by some workers who had bouts of uncontrollable laughter.

Unfortunately, when you are actually exposed to the drug, the effects are very unpleasant. You can experience fear of what will happen if you cannot answer questions, often accompanied by feelings of paranoia that they are trying to catch you out. The situation is made worse by the circulation of fake drugs - you only find out later you were exposed to a dummy drug to test and prepare you for the real thing. And the name of this drug? CQC - carboxy-quasi-choline. You have been warned.