Birthday Message

I imagine that Declan from Finedon is feeling fine today because it is his 18th birthday. Someone has a fine love for Declan from Finedon.

I possess these two pieces of knowledge because they took the trouble to find - in Finedon - an old grey sheet with faded memories of once being pristine white. How we all age. And having found the sheet, they imaginatively and creatively used a can of black paint to spray "18 Declan" on it.

Furthermore, they took this thoughtful and heartfelt message a stage further in Finedon and draped it over the roundabout so everyone could find out about Declan of Finedon on what would have otherwise been a dull drive to work on a Monday morning. 

Car Park by Escher

I had a strange feeling when I visited one of the multi-storey car-parks in Northampton the other day. This was not the sole purpose of the trip, of course, just a necesary by-product. It was very busy and so I had to drive up to quite a high level - not in relation to my standard of driving but in relation to the levels in the carpark you understand.

On leaving the car-park I had the distinct impression that the downward journey was a  lot longer than the upward journey, leading me to speculate that we were caught in an impossible construction designed by M. C. Escher and some how appropriated by Stephen King such that we were doomed to go round forever. Northampton often has this effect on me.

Metaphorical Forecast

We have just received a forecast from the metaphorical office. A band of cold weather is marching towards the south, with a strong wind section and occasional bouts of percussion. It will reach a crescendo over Essex before dispersing into several bars, where it will cause some local disturbances. Wear ear-muffs and gloves if you want to look cool in Southend.

Stone Warning

Saturday morning found me as usual in the local supermarket, idly looking at the delicatessen counter. My attention was drawn to a notice which informed me that the olives "may contain olive stones". I admire the store for their attention to detail, for their desire to spare me any shocks or surprises, for managing my expectations so effectively. If they had just warned me of the presence of stones, I could have travelled home in eager anticipation of finding plum stones or apricot stones in my olives. This would be great for me - I do not want to turn my small garden into an olive grove, but another plum tree would be nice. Imagine my disappointment to find only olive stones!

The situation could have been worse. At least the store did not fall victim to the misplaced apostrophe - that would have been a catastrophe. I would have spent the rest of the day wondering about Olive Stone's contribution to the marinated olives.

Dark Energy

Troubled sleep since hearing about dark energy and the ever-expanding universe. How can I hope to keep up? I think we need some lighter matters to counteract all the dark matter. My most worrying thought was that the universe is actually within a games console. There are thousands of levels and whoever playing it is slowly improving. But there comes a point when it all collapses in on itself and the player has to start again. The big bang is just a re-boot. Maybe this is the highest level that has ever been achieved - in the history of the universe! I fear I have just missed out on this year's Nobel prize. A quick "share" to the committee's Facebook page should secure it for me next year.

The Lives of Lesser Known Fauna

The stag night beetle lives on lager and kebabs.

The black Scottish widow spider lives on a good pension.

The ant eloper lives on the run with his young bride. He is pursued by ant depressants.

The Colorado beetle lives in permanent envy of his wealthy cousin the El Dorado beetle.

Puzzled in Luton

They have made changes at Luton station. I passed through the ticket barrier as usual on my way to a meeting, following people ahead of me. I found myself at street level but on the opposite side of the street I normally found myself on. I re-traced my steps to see if I had taken a wrong turn. I had not. They had removed a bridge. Instead of going across and then down, I now had to go down and then across. It felt as though I was taking part in a surreal crossword puzzle, clearly without a clue. I was happier with the bridge.