Metaphorical Forecast

We have just received a forecast from the metaphorical office. A band of cold weather is marching towards the south, with a strong wind section and occasional bouts of percussion. It will reach a crescendo over Essex before dispersing into several bars, where it will cause some local disturbances. Wear ear-muffs and gloves if you want to look cool in Southend.

Stone Warning

Saturday morning found me as usual in the local supermarket, idly looking at the delicatessen counter. My attention was drawn to a notice which informed me that the olives "may contain olive stones". I admire the store for their attention to detail, for their desire to spare me any shocks or surprises, for managing my expectations so effectively. If they had just warned me of the presence of stones, I could have travelled home in eager anticipation of finding plum stones or apricot stones in my olives. This would be great for me - I do not want to turn my small garden into an olive grove, but another plum tree would be nice. Imagine my disappointment to find only olive stones!

The situation could have been worse. At least the store did not fall victim to the misplaced apostrophe - that would have been a catastrophe. I would have spent the rest of the day wondering about Olive Stone's contribution to the marinated olives.

Dark Energy

Troubled sleep since hearing about dark energy and the ever-expanding universe. How can I hope to keep up? I think we need some lighter matters to counteract all the dark matter. My most worrying thought was that the universe is actually within a games console. There are thousands of levels and whoever playing it is slowly improving. But there comes a point when it all collapses in on itself and the player has to start again. The big bang is just a re-boot. Maybe this is the highest level that has ever been achieved - in the history of the universe! I fear I have just missed out on this year's Nobel prize. A quick "share" to the committee's Facebook page should secure it for me next year.